River of teary blood

Heart is bleeding again today...

Mixed with tears, blood dripped down incessantly since last week.
Today was more like flowing. Like a river.

End of the road

After all these years I guess we must learn to accept the will of our only God.

What is the end if the road we cannot change unless He willed for it. There is only one Jesus - God's only begotten Son. The Son of Man, as he often called himself, was only resurrected once and will pay earth a second, upcoming visit - only this time not as a baby but as an adult Jesus. Other than Lazarus, I don't expect any resurrections from now till The Son of Man revisits.

When God has decided, we can only accept.

If it's the end if the road for now, it means the end if the road for now.

God forgive me for my sins and my faithlessness, hopelessness and selfishness in failure to see beyond this body and this earth and cosmic plane.

Shit is in the Air

Shit is in the Air

Shit is in the Air
Everywhere i look around,
Shit is in the Air,
Every sight and every sound!

I don't know if i'm being stupid,
Staying here for the longest time
But its something our boss believe in
Its the passion when you look in his eyes.

Shit is in the air
In the cutting of the trees
Love is in the air
Recycling every thing we see

And I don't know where the hell we're heading
Don't know if I'm stil insane
But it's something our boss believe in
And it's there when he treats you like slave

Shit is in the air
Shit is in the air
yucks yucks yucccks!
yucks yucks yuccccccccks!

Shit is in the air
In the sinking of the sun
Shit is in the air
When the future's nearly done

And I don't know if its confusion
Don't know if I see it true
But you're something that I must believe in
And you're there when I reach out for you

Shit is in the air
Every sight and every sound
And I don't know if I'm being foolish
Don't know if I'm being wise

But it's something that our boss believe in
And it's there when I look in your eyes

Change

{.Two mergers in two months .}

Change.
Opportunities and Improvements
Cuts and Trims
Opens and Shuts doors
Upgrades and Rewards
Threatening and Anticipating
Laughing and Crying
Gaining and Losing
Fear and Uncertainty
Balancing and Considering
Pause and Ponder
Re-evaluate and Change.

When you have time....

When you have time...

1) Check out a holiday package for your wife
2) Count your blessings
3) Remember your Abba Father
4) ...

Wakey wakey

Wakey wakey
You slow lackey
How many times your mummy
- - - - -ask you not to be so choosy

Who's left behind

How sad,

Jasmine left;

Mum left;

Dad left;

No one left behind;

Busied with all their health;

and survival,

Now busy with the health

and survival of in laws,

There is nothing left,

To look forward to.

Bloody Renovations Work 2011 !!!!!!

11 July 2013

The bloody renovation folder I created was called Renovations 2011 - created in 2011 of course.

Now, having already passed the second half of 2013

Idiots produce shit without eating rice....

The funeral

9th May 2013

We arrived at the parlor at 8am.

The first thing we did was to thank the night shift lady who watched over the body in the coffin and all the things in the parlor during the night. And handed her her fees.

Then we went to look at my father's face. Over the hours we kept doing that.

After songs of worship and a brief message from the pastor , I thanked those present and we proceeded to send the coffin to the crematorium.

After a brief song and message, we put flowers on the coffin and the doors of the crematorium were shut.

Lunch and some shopping with Brother in law. Them we were back at the crematorium with my auntie to collect the  ashes and urn. Everything was completed by Thursday 4pm.

Dad passed away

P8th May 2013

At 4:10am his breathing stopped.ol
And he is with The Lord now.t

Scrambled to find the clothes and photographs for the funeral, we quickly made our way to the home to find his body still warm as I touched his cheeks.

Eyes closed, face no longer in distorted pain but breathless, his face depicted a calm, serene look and the edge of his lips curled a faint smile.

Thank God he is relieved of his suffering, the last hurdle having surpassed, he now can rest in peace. Go for a holiday with mum in Heaven ,papa! And someone said later, 'without having to board a plane'.

By 5:30am I sorted out all the documentation, clothes, identity card, shoes, photograph before dad's body was loaded into the back of the hearse by three men, dressed in very dark blue.

T

Before 7am we were at the mamak stall having roti canai, coffee and tea. Then off we headed for homfreshen up a little.

By 8:30am we're off for more errands.

Appointment with the unldertakers at 10am. Meanwhile more calls, messages of condolences from cell group members clogged he phones.

The entire parlor was setup prim and proper by 10am. Dad was dressed up in shirt and tie in a dark suit. Could not help noticing the embalmed look is different from the time he breathed his last where the face waos broader and lips were wide. Now the mouth including the lips are pointed like a bird peck. No longer can I see the faint smile.

The day was definitely the longest for a long, long time. We only went back for a quick shower Obefore appearing again in our stamdard white top, black pants custume at the parlor at 5pm.

Wake service started at 8:30pm. Me and my wife were the only family representative. Fortunately our Cg members who were represented by 3 persons being our greatest consolation.

My uncle AhKu and his wife was first to arrive at around 6:30pm.

Relatives and friends filled the chairs by 8pm.

The opening speech, the worship, the eulogy and the sermon by Pastor Quek

were completed by 10:30pm. The place was alive with conversations till past 11pm. The mood wasn't somber but people were filled with a kind of happiness and gathering.

From the bedside of my dying father (2)

7 th May 2012 5:17pm

Dad have been groaning non stop since morning.
Talked to Emily on the phone and she decided to up morphine dosage to 10ml
from 7.5ml, which was formally 5ml for a very long time.

Tua-Ee came with us in the morning and again in the afternoon with her husband. 7th uncle came twice too, same timing .
Shared about Jesus Christ with him.

Florence came late afternoon about 4pm and it soon rained heavily.

We are trapped here for a while, with the heavy pattering outside.

SH mopped the floor with Dettol ,dad seem to be watching...

At 5:25 groaning is still going on though much softer.

Once in a while I dry those tear drops on the corner of his eyes.

After dinner with uncle Albert and AhKim who visited in the evening, we're back to the home. Felt nausea from all the sight and smell and sound.

Continue to feed him with water after sponging his lips as he groans non stop.
Have requested the Cg to pray for his comfort.

10:29pm Dad is showing signs of gasping
, we will need to check his oxygen level before deciding whether to supply oxygen
to him. 64% recorded. Bad. Oxygen supply is now on.

Oxygen 75% assisted, BP 55/13
Expected to go off tonight or tomorrow morning.

Stayed with dad till 1:30am Wednesday ... still groaning with every breath.
Finally decided to go back to sleep, to come back later in the morning.

From the bedside of my dying father (1)

6 May 2013 10:29pm

He is groaning every now and then. Obstructed by phlegm, he coughs with great effort, yet his strength whimpers off with an almost breathless phlegm filled gasp... He groans in pain again.

At the final stage of in gastric cancer and now on his deathbed at Anzaletta Nursing Home at Jalan Damai, my father's life seemed trailing off day by day.

His frame is reduced into a very large and pronounced cheek and jaw bone.Cheeks and temples sunken,his Adam's apple moved moved up and down as he breathes softly. A tube dangles out if his left nostril. His eyebrows were very bushy with streaks of grey.

His mouth half open, one eye remains half open, though without focus.

His body is reduced to huge sticks of bones, skin creased and dangling miserably.

Once in a while I wake him up and siphoned off some honey drink and drops I to his gaping mouth.

I can hear his breath , still pronounced as his lungs are still unobstructed. Cancer probably has spread to the bones causing him great pain when we lift his limbs or touch him.

Lymph nodes and internal organs have been infected too, so the doctor reported few months ago from the CT scan done long before ,about 2 months back.

This day pisses me off greatly.
The 13th general elections' conduct and results was one reason. The other was dealing with the Singaporean red tape of a downright bitch of my brother's wife who refuses to let me speak to him.

Never mind. I have to move on. Life goes on.

From the bedside of my dying father

6th May 2013

After countless updates sent to my brother in Singapore about my dad's condition since February when he admitted into the nursing home, I got a response. From his wife.
She knew dad is at Anzaletta.

She said they cannot come to see dad as she got her responsibilities. She has to take care of her daughter.

I asked to speak to my brother. She asked me what I want to tell him. Furious, I said that is for me to tell him.

She said she don't think he got anything to say to me. Well I said let him tell that to me in my face. And that I do not need to speak to him through a third party. She keep saying he got nothing to speak to me. So I said I don't need to speak to her. So finally she said she don't want to speak to me.

So I hung up the phone.

3 months to go?

24April2013

Doctor says dad has 3 months (max) to go.
Cancer has spread all over inside his body.

Cancer Epidemic

Just too bad humanity is suffering from cancer...
Cancer is spreading like an epidemic now.

The financial, emotional and physical stress of cancer on humanity is punishing everyone to an extend that many are facing the end of their lives on a daily basis, whether those suffering directly or those implicated into suffering by their suffering spouses, parents, loved ones, etc.

Facing and still not coming to the end of their lives is a greater deal of suffering than facing an abrupt end, probably.

What a way to go..

In a way, it brings us to realize that we need to radically change the way we live our lives in which most of us are living in today.

P-ray more
L-earn more
E-njoy more
A-sk more
S-eek more
E-njoy some more

SHIT IS EVERYWHERE

SHIT is in the air
Everywhere I look around
SHIT is in the air
Every sight and every sound
And I don't know if I'm being foolish
Don't know if I'm being wise
But it's something that I must believe in
And it's there when I look in your eyes
SHIT is in the air
In the whisper of the tree
SHIT is in the air
In the thunder of the sea
And I don't know if I'm just dreaming
Don't know if I feel safe
But it's something that I Must believe in
And it's there when you call out my name
SHIT is in the air
SHIT is in the air
SHIT is in the air
In the rising of the sun
SHIT is in the air
When the day is nearly done
And I don't know if you are an illusion
Don't know if I see truth
But you are something that I must believe in
And you are there when I reach out for you
SHIT is in the air
Everywhere I look around
SHIT is in the air
Every sight and every sound
And I don't know if I'm being foolish
Don't know if I'm being wise
But it's something that I must believe in
And it's there when I look in your eyes
SHIT is in the air
SHIT is in the air
SHIT is in the air
SHIT is in the air

2013 Jan 9th

Dad packed his bags and left this morning. He arrived exactly one month ago.

Why do bad things happen to good people ? (no answers from me here)

When my mum died, a colleage gave me a book titled 'Why do bad things happen to good people ?'
I guess he should now look for another book 'Why does more and more bad things happen all the time to good people?'

Since its too late to start behaving bad in life, guess the only thing left to do is to prepare to deal with more and more bad stuff in life.

The other thing is also to consciously enjoy life significantly more than before everyday. Being positive should take a whole new level and meaning if you take it personally to make your life a more happy one ?

Well, that's a plan for a start.

What about stuff you don't have and would like to have ?  Considering the pros and cons of having it,
i guess it may be best to adapt the best of both worlds and try to create something new in life - -
something which will create a net positive effect in our own happiness index ? Although setting your 'index' with a long term view is dangerously important as it may be too late to modify your index after you whimsically decides its not reaally makes you happy after all !  Correcting some things in life may take so much a toll it will destroy a whole lot more happiness than you have created in the long run than the short term happiness created yesterday.


Avoiding negative thinking is very tough. Negative thinking keeps feeding into us with every visual, audio or mental stimulation you get on a constant basis in our lives.  A watchful state of mind would be too exhaustive to maintain. Conditioning our minds may take too long...  This is a tough one.
That is why people go to war. First they envy others. Then when they don't match up with what they've got, they try to match using other means. Then they show it off to others, trying to induce jealousy in others as it was induced in themselves in the begining. This competitive jealousy inducing acts eventually causes much hate, some times foolish counter-actions and an unhealthy state of mind. Its a vicious cycle.  I do not have any solution to this mental trap.


Sometimes the Buddhist ways quite make sense -  to let thoughts pass and meditate onto nothingness, experiencing the fabric of our mind.

Brokenness in the first Sunday of 2013

During the prayer for The Lord 's supper, I felt a deep , renewed sense if brokenness in my heart region.

The first Sunday and Lord's Supper in 2013 brought much doubt and pain since the mostly sleepless night I experienced hours ago.

Where is my faith in 2013????

How do I not feel sad over all these ?

When my daughter died during mum's cancer, my heart sank to the deepest pit in my life.

When mum suffered in her cancer journey with dad who suffered tremendously caring for her and dealing with issues with my brother, I asked , "how much worse can this get?" and "something good shall come out of this" in my effort to console my broken, shattered, disfigured, mutilated and lost heart.

All these years, I cling on with my feeble faith, as if grasping on the edge of the dangerous rocky cliff of the Himalayan mountain with the little finger of my left hand.

Four long, dreary years of guilt, pain, shame, humility, tears-run-dry, shaken, disillusioned, hopelessness, dumbfounded, worn, disheveled, disbelief, angst, anger, short changed, disappointed, forgotten and abandoned by nature, by God and His concerns.

The weariness at the end of all these we're greeted by the familiar darkness that came engulfing my little candle of hope - dashed ,puffed out with a final slap in my face.

Looks like dad's final journey - a walk that seems so despairing it reflects what darker paths ahead for my lonely walk.

What lies ahead for someone who no longer have a family? Probably among strangers in the community home or found dead on the streets on a cold night..

So, so, so sad...