How do I not feel sad over all these ?

When my daughter died during mum's cancer, my heart sank to the deepest pit in my life.

When mum suffered in her cancer journey with dad who suffered tremendously caring for her and dealing with issues with my brother, I asked , "how much worse can this get?" and "something good shall come out of this" in my effort to console my broken, shattered, disfigured, mutilated and lost heart.

All these years, I cling on with my feeble faith, as if grasping on the edge of the dangerous rocky cliff of the Himalayan mountain with the little finger of my left hand.

Four long, dreary years of guilt, pain, shame, humility, tears-run-dry, shaken, disillusioned, hopelessness, dumbfounded, worn, disheveled, disbelief, angst, anger, short changed, disappointed, forgotten and abandoned by nature, by God and His concerns.

The weariness at the end of all these we're greeted by the familiar darkness that came engulfing my little candle of hope - dashed ,puffed out with a final slap in my face.

Looks like dad's final journey - a walk that seems so despairing it reflects what darker paths ahead for my lonely walk.

What lies ahead for someone who no longer have a family? Probably among strangers in the community home or found dead on the streets on a cold night..

So, so, so sad...