Letter from my mentor

Remember that it is not by works or might; you'll never be able to do enough even if you devote 24/7 to any one person. (Everyone else would be neglected and you'll have the guilt of not having done enough.)

God sees the heart. You passed the test of having a difficult sister in law.

Just enjoy the daily moments on this planet and bless people around you.

One of the key people at this period of your life is your dad.

Please send him my greetings and love!

Blessings.

Lonely presence

You see a group of noisy friends, but each of them is really alone in this world.

They say best friends can sit together not saying one word, but that's the best communication you can get - amidst understanding and contentment.. just being present for each other.

Don't be too concerned about the world and the way it works. Stop looking at others and concentrate on the present moment.

Don't even look at yourself in the mirror. Just live in the presence of each day and remember to stay happy.

A broken and contrite heart

It is a consolation to me today to be reminded in the sermon that

1. A broken and contrite heart is precious to God. It is with a broken heart that rebuilding begins.
2. The (rebuilding of) broken heart is a journey.

Praise the Lord.

Stuck in the Slum

Its a cycle.

At some point, when you come to that corner - you are bound to see it. The slums of your life.

Even though you know of its coming , you cannot help but get sucked into its negativities.

Everything sucks and all you want to do is throw in the towel , get out , get away from here.

Damn it.

Shattered

My car window was smashed at the car park.

Nothing was stolen. Father in Heaven, i want to thank you for watching over it.

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The shattered window glass reminds me of a shattered life.

Nothing can bring back the original condition... of our mind frame.

The memories remain and we know its different from the last one.

Can we really forgive and forget ?

LIFE

LIFE is merely a lie without F.

Sunday sermons will be different now

4th July 2009

Last night i learned that Pastor Phillips Koh will not be delivering God's word at FBC anymore.

I felt sad.

Even though it is important for Christians to receive God's word without favouring the deliverer,
i just want to express how much i will miss the connection he seldom fails to make on Sunday mornings.

The enthusiasm of going to Church to hear Pastor Phillips Sermons after worshipping the Lord will somewhat be affected, especially tomorrow.

Well ,if it's Your will, then let it be done.

Praise the Lord!

LOST

3rd July 2009

Over the last few months, I have been feeling rather empty inside me. Life at work didn't help either.

But last night, that emptiness was overwhelming and i just realised i lost something.

I don't know when or how i lost it, but it was gone. It was one thing that kept me sane all this while.. but it was really, really gone. I looked everywhere but could not find it.

I even tried to create it again and showed it to my wife - but she couldn't see it??? To my utter disappointment i realise it cannot be re-created !!!

So long and thanks for everything, Humour.

Naj, rest in peace.

My pool sifu, friend, elder and colleague - Naj left us peacefully on 1st Jan 09 after his prayers in the morning.

What a peaceful way to go.

I salute you , Naj.

May your soul rest in peace with Allah.

I miss you. I am sure we all here do.

Mum , rest in peace.

Saturday, 20th Dec 2008 10:12am.

I sat on the right side of my mother, my father on her left.
'I love you ...'
'I love you ...'
'I love you ...'
Holding on her right hand, i said it three times, half crying.

She took a very weak, shallow breath with difficulty and said ' Pa i'm going' t my father.
We put her back on the bed. She did not take a new breath afterwards.

Pointless

It all its pointlessness...

Utter humiliation & sheer disappointment

My daughter is 6 months and 7 days old today , if she is still alive today.
I am sorry Jasmine, I was not able to do anything to keep your life.

God, Thank you for ridiculing me. It was damn humiliating.
I wondered where were you everyday while we suffered in silence.
O ya, maybe you were standing right there, humiliating me, right ?

It saddens me till today. Tomorrow will most probably be the same, just like yesterday.

Even though I have put our situation entire and squarely on your strong shoulders, I still think about Jasmine till today. I still think of what helplessness we faced squarely and what shattering disappointment that crashed down right on us everytime the baby was pronounced with one terminal news after another right till her death.

Time definitely does not heal, as they all say.

The effects of this humiliating tragedy does not seem like it's going anywhere for a very long time to come. Great ! Your plan has been a great success !! Congratulations !
Let me die in utter disappointment and sheer humiliation !
How more can I thank you ?!! DAMN IT!

I HEREBY REQUEST YOU FOR THE LAST TIME , HELP US !
I am sorry i have to pray in this tone & manner but this is really my last straw.

Cat Riddles

RIDDLE

Question : Why the cat could not find all her emails ?
Answer : Because it was all under the SandBox.

Mustafa is sick

Mustafa is sick.

May he be able to receive the Universal love of the universe
May he recover in God speed.

Sweet Baboo and her newfound companion.

Sweet Baboo is so comfortable with her newfound companion..

Fearless, Mustafa & Sweet Baboo

Fearless

Mustafa
Sweet Baboo

The offsprings of our lovely mother Bubu.

New Policies & Mottos - 2008

New Policies - 2008 (starting 10 Dec 2007)
1. DON'T ATTEMPT TO PHYSICALLY CHANGE THE IMPOSSIBLE !
2. MENTALLY RELINQUISH SELF AFFLICTED PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURES !
3. NO MORE PLEASING OTHERS !
4. RELINQUISH RESPONSIBILITIES.
5. RELAX CONSCIOUSLY.
6. SPEND MORE FOR SELF
7. ENJOY LIFE MORE
8. LET OBSESSION FOR CLEANLINESS LOOSEN GRIP BY LEARNING TO FACE ANXIETY

New Mottos - 2008
1. You deserve to enjoy more! Look at those i****s around you!
2. You can enjoy life! You just need to loosen up and relax...
3. You can have more wealth. You only need constant confidence & patience.
4. Be mindful of the anxiety. Observe. Don't rush to clean up. Bear with it. (The cleaning ritual reduces anxiety arising from the obsession.)
5. Learn to tolerate the anxiety, the obsession begins to gradually loosen its grip over you.
(Temporary exacerbation in your anxiety may arise as you are not doing the "same old stuff" to relieve your anxiety.)
6. Anxiety is likely to increase before it can decrease. Don't try to distract yourself by doing something or thinking about something else. Keep your mind on the object that increases your tension and let it complete its full course. The anxiety will peak out if you persist. Then, you can relax. Likewise, others can relax around you. You have more time than you ever thought you had.


References:
"Neatfreaks" Can Get Rid Of The Stress by Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D [http://www.mindpub.com/art493.htm]

Bubu, mother of four kittens

This cat turned our life upside in just two months.
Came with 4 kittens inside her as well.

Black tailed with twin patch on the head and a white body - is Bubu the cat.

Anyone wants to provide her kitten/kittens a home ?

They celebrate while I mourn

Just rejected an invitation to celebrate the birthday of a friend/relative's son.

My daughter Jasmine has two birthdays , one in April and one in August.

One for her premature still-born date and the other for her expected due date.

I can never forget the look on her round face.

I shall never attend another birthday celebration.
Only God knows my feeling. Nobody ever will.

My Poem to God

Heard another baby on its way to delivery,
Blurted a few words of congratulatories..

God, please help me..
God, do you really hate me so much ?

God, do you know the pain in my heart?
God, do you enjoy seeing me suffer ?

God, do I deserve this ?

Does everyone else deserves whatever they're getting ?
If they do, then let us not have pity on what happens to anyone ?
If its true,
then let every bad thing turn into its worst; and we should not feel or do a thing about it,
and let every good thing turn better; and we should celebrate as much as we want.

Did everything happen for a reason ? And nothing is too personal ?
If that is so,
then let us act as we wish since there is no difference in who made it happen anyway;
and let us all get impersonal with each other and do whatever we like without strings attached;

What is there left for us to rejoice ?
The world has changed and some have not...
It is these people who are suffering.
They are suffering for you, my dear God.

Please can you take back this world into your arms,
for I do not want it anymore.