Depressing facebook

Everytime I log on to facebook I get depressed...

Prayer of Petition dated 14th Day of the Month of March in the Year of 2014

Dear God (our Heavenly Father)

You are our God Almighty and nothing escapes your eyes
Nothing steers away from your plans
And nothing go against your Will
Nothing stands in your way for nothing is to difficult for You

Lord,
You have been so silent to my grief, pain and prayers
Though you know my hearts cries out tears of blood
Day after day, night after night
My heart is weakened by this grief I carry

Lord,
Are my sins too much for you to look at me ?
Is my love not genuine to receive your glance ?
Why Lord am I so, so, so unworthy and so repulsive ?
Are you going to shun my prayers forever ?

Lord
Please do not ignore me anymore
Shine your face upon me Lord
Rain your grace upon every moment of my life
And may my joy be complete today

Jesus Jesus Jesus
Amen Amen Amen.

Tears of Eternity

On the day of his funeral I finally cried.
I cried, cried, cried, cried and I cried.....

The burden of my tears weighed down on me on that day,
and pulled my depression out into the open...

I didn't see any other man shed a tear...

The fourth person I personally know left us before we even ended February...
and the third funeral of the year, even yet before I am comforted by my dad's passing.

Rest in peace, dad (in law).

Dad (in-law), I know your regrets.  And your regrets you shared with my dad - I share them deeply as well though I cannot keep saying this out with everyone. Just as my dear Jasmine had passed on before my mum, dad, Mrs Liew's mother, uncle David, Jadite and you, I now live reminiscing all of you in my days here on earth, missing every great moments that I might have with you if you were here. But most of all, I miss Jasmine most as I haven't spent a moment with her before her passing;
as I was reminded so timely as I was just penning this off, a colleague came to request for a survey
for fathers.....

Will the river of tears continue to run ?
Will there not be much tears of happiness, contentment, joy and bliss in between? And if there are, will they be far and wide ?

Only God knows.

Will be done

When God says No,
I cannot think Yes.

Who can defy God's will
For when He wills, it will be done.

The passing of a sister in Christ

The passing of a sister in Christ

It is just not easy to swallow this. I thought the many deaths in my own family is enough
for me to accustom myself to deaths; considering the closest persons in my life have already left me by now. My beloved daughter Jasmine, my beloved mother and followed by my beloved father. After all the dearest persons in my life have left me, I thought all the demise of any other person would not affect me so badly. But its definitely not the case.

Every single drop of suffering of humanity, seen or unseen, heard or unheard whether fallen on the shoulders of a relative, colleague or stranger - -  all rakes up the mire of pain of the yesteryears...

My heart is heavy with an inexpressible pain.

My friend, you have fought the good fight and you are definitely stronger than anyone else.
Thanks for all the bread, cakes, tales, ears and more office tales.

I am sure you are enjoying your time with Jesus everyday.

Sorrow so burrowed, Wound so deep

O Sorrow, my sorrows;

Burrowed and entrenched in a wound so deep;

A wound so deep, a wound so deep;

For who knows my sorrows ?

So deep, o so deep in the wound,

trapped but yet struggling to come out in the open;

to express yourself but can no longer,

because you burrow deeper in your throes of agony;

How do I cry? when there are no more tears inside

How do I weep? when there is not a tender bosom who know my sorrow

How do I grief? when there is not a strong shoulder I can lean on

How do I mourn? when I do not remember the face of my beloved

How do I weep? when my voice can no longer coax it out in the open

And how do I lament? when my wounds are never healed?

Jesus You claim you are The Way, The Truth and The Life;

The One who weeps for our losses in our lives;

Who has gone through all the sorrows of our life,

The Man of Sorrows who lived, who died, resurrected and who lives!

Jesus, Please come and heal my wounds today so I may be alive in You.

River of teary blood

Heart is bleeding again today...

Mixed with tears, blood dripped down incessantly since last week.
Today was more like flowing. Like a river.

End of the road

After all these years I guess we must learn to accept the will of our only God.

What is the end if the road we cannot change unless He willed for it. There is only one Jesus - God's only begotten Son. The Son of Man, as he often called himself, was only resurrected once and will pay earth a second, upcoming visit - only this time not as a baby but as an adult Jesus. Other than Lazarus, I don't expect any resurrections from now till The Son of Man revisits.

When God has decided, we can only accept.

If it's the end if the road for now, it means the end if the road for now.

God forgive me for my sins and my faithlessness, hopelessness and selfishness in failure to see beyond this body and this earth and cosmic plane.

Shit is in the Air

Shit is in the Air

Shit is in the Air
Everywhere i look around,
Shit is in the Air,
Every sight and every sound!

I don't know if i'm being stupid,
Staying here for the longest time
But its something our boss believe in
Its the passion when you look in his eyes.

Shit is in the air
In the cutting of the trees
Love is in the air
Recycling every thing we see

And I don't know where the hell we're heading
Don't know if I'm stil insane
But it's something our boss believe in
And it's there when he treats you like slave

Shit is in the air
Shit is in the air
yucks yucks yucccks!
yucks yucks yuccccccccks!

Shit is in the air
In the sinking of the sun
Shit is in the air
When the future's nearly done

And I don't know if its confusion
Don't know if I see it true
But you're something that I must believe in
And you're there when I reach out for you

Shit is in the air
Every sight and every sound
And I don't know if I'm being foolish
Don't know if I'm being wise

But it's something that our boss believe in
And it's there when I look in your eyes

Change

{.Two mergers in two months .}

Change.
Opportunities and Improvements
Cuts and Trims
Opens and Shuts doors
Upgrades and Rewards
Threatening and Anticipating
Laughing and Crying
Gaining and Losing
Fear and Uncertainty
Balancing and Considering
Pause and Ponder
Re-evaluate and Change.

When you have time....

When you have time...

1) Check out a holiday package for your wife
2) Count your blessings
3) Remember your Abba Father
4) ...

Wakey wakey

Wakey wakey
You slow lackey
How many times your mummy
- - - - -ask you not to be so choosy

Who's left behind

How sad,

Jasmine left;

Mum left;

Dad left;

No one left behind;

Busied with all their health;

and survival,

Now busy with the health

and survival of in laws,

There is nothing left,

To look forward to.

Bloody Renovations Work 2011 !!!!!!

11 July 2013

The bloody renovation folder I created was called Renovations 2011 - created in 2011 of course.

Now, having already passed the second half of 2013

Idiots produce shit without eating rice....

The funeral

9th May 2013

We arrived at the parlor at 8am.

The first thing we did was to thank the night shift lady who watched over the body in the coffin and all the things in the parlor during the night. And handed her her fees.

Then we went to look at my father's face. Over the hours we kept doing that.

After songs of worship and a brief message from the pastor , I thanked those present and we proceeded to send the coffin to the crematorium.

After a brief song and message, we put flowers on the coffin and the doors of the crematorium were shut.

Lunch and some shopping with Brother in law. Them we were back at the crematorium with my auntie to collect the  ashes and urn. Everything was completed by Thursday 4pm.

Dad passed away

P8th May 2013

At 4:10am his breathing stopped.ol
And he is with The Lord now.t

Scrambled to find the clothes and photographs for the funeral, we quickly made our way to the home to find his body still warm as I touched his cheeks.

Eyes closed, face no longer in distorted pain but breathless, his face depicted a calm, serene look and the edge of his lips curled a faint smile.

Thank God he is relieved of his suffering, the last hurdle having surpassed, he now can rest in peace. Go for a holiday with mum in Heaven ,papa! And someone said later, 'without having to board a plane'.

By 5:30am I sorted out all the documentation, clothes, identity card, shoes, photograph before dad's body was loaded into the back of the hearse by three men, dressed in very dark blue.

T

Before 7am we were at the mamak stall having roti canai, coffee and tea. Then off we headed for homfreshen up a little.

By 8:30am we're off for more errands.

Appointment with the unldertakers at 10am. Meanwhile more calls, messages of condolences from cell group members clogged he phones.

The entire parlor was setup prim and proper by 10am. Dad was dressed up in shirt and tie in a dark suit. Could not help noticing the embalmed look is different from the time he breathed his last where the face waos broader and lips were wide. Now the mouth including the lips are pointed like a bird peck. No longer can I see the faint smile.

The day was definitely the longest for a long, long time. We only went back for a quick shower Obefore appearing again in our stamdard white top, black pants custume at the parlor at 5pm.

Wake service started at 8:30pm. Me and my wife were the only family representative. Fortunately our Cg members who were represented by 3 persons being our greatest consolation.

My uncle AhKu and his wife was first to arrive at around 6:30pm.

Relatives and friends filled the chairs by 8pm.

The opening speech, the worship, the eulogy and the sermon by Pastor Quek

were completed by 10:30pm. The place was alive with conversations till past 11pm. The mood wasn't somber but people were filled with a kind of happiness and gathering.

From the bedside of my dying father (2)

7 th May 2012 5:17pm

Dad have been groaning non stop since morning.
Talked to Emily on the phone and she decided to up morphine dosage to 10ml
from 7.5ml, which was formally 5ml for a very long time.

Tua-Ee came with us in the morning and again in the afternoon with her husband. 7th uncle came twice too, same timing .
Shared about Jesus Christ with him.

Florence came late afternoon about 4pm and it soon rained heavily.

We are trapped here for a while, with the heavy pattering outside.

SH mopped the floor with Dettol ,dad seem to be watching...

At 5:25 groaning is still going on though much softer.

Once in a while I dry those tear drops on the corner of his eyes.

After dinner with uncle Albert and AhKim who visited in the evening, we're back to the home. Felt nausea from all the sight and smell and sound.

Continue to feed him with water after sponging his lips as he groans non stop.
Have requested the Cg to pray for his comfort.

10:29pm Dad is showing signs of gasping
, we will need to check his oxygen level before deciding whether to supply oxygen
to him. 64% recorded. Bad. Oxygen supply is now on.

Oxygen 75% assisted, BP 55/13
Expected to go off tonight or tomorrow morning.

Stayed with dad till 1:30am Wednesday ... still groaning with every breath.
Finally decided to go back to sleep, to come back later in the morning.

From the bedside of my dying father (1)

6 May 2013 10:29pm

He is groaning every now and then. Obstructed by phlegm, he coughs with great effort, yet his strength whimpers off with an almost breathless phlegm filled gasp... He groans in pain again.

At the final stage of in gastric cancer and now on his deathbed at Anzaletta Nursing Home at Jalan Damai, my father's life seemed trailing off day by day.

His frame is reduced into a very large and pronounced cheek and jaw bone.Cheeks and temples sunken,his Adam's apple moved moved up and down as he breathes softly. A tube dangles out if his left nostril. His eyebrows were very bushy with streaks of grey.

His mouth half open, one eye remains half open, though without focus.

His body is reduced to huge sticks of bones, skin creased and dangling miserably.

Once in a while I wake him up and siphoned off some honey drink and drops I to his gaping mouth.

I can hear his breath , still pronounced as his lungs are still unobstructed. Cancer probably has spread to the bones causing him great pain when we lift his limbs or touch him.

Lymph nodes and internal organs have been infected too, so the doctor reported few months ago from the CT scan done long before ,about 2 months back.

This day pisses me off greatly.
The 13th general elections' conduct and results was one reason. The other was dealing with the Singaporean red tape of a downright bitch of my brother's wife who refuses to let me speak to him.

Never mind. I have to move on. Life goes on.

From the bedside of my dying father

6th May 2013

After countless updates sent to my brother in Singapore about my dad's condition since February when he admitted into the nursing home, I got a response. From his wife.
She knew dad is at Anzaletta.

She said they cannot come to see dad as she got her responsibilities. She has to take care of her daughter.

I asked to speak to my brother. She asked me what I want to tell him. Furious, I said that is for me to tell him.

She said she don't think he got anything to say to me. Well I said let him tell that to me in my face. And that I do not need to speak to him through a third party. She keep saying he got nothing to speak to me. So I said I don't need to speak to her. So finally she said she don't want to speak to me.

So I hung up the phone.

3 months to go?

24April2013

Doctor says dad has 3 months (max) to go.
Cancer has spread all over inside his body.